Friday, January 12 2018
I know I have chirped on and on (and on) about how we are struggling financially and that I am concerned about when I die and if Russ can manage it on his own. I know you're probably sick of hearing me go on about it, but it honestly is so stressful.
It is hard being on one income, I know it is overwhelming for Russ too.
So last week we got a letter from our bank informing me that as of today (the 12th) our mortgage will be going up $500 a month.
This really scares me.
Not only do I not know where I am going to pluck that extra $500 from this month considering we are already halfway through the month, but that I really am so stressed and upset.
Yes, I acknowledge my priviledge in that we have our own mortgage, but even when we were renting things were hard and the rent assistance really made the world of difference when it came to our budget. But it doesn't mean that things instantly became easier when we got out mortgage. I didn't realise how much harder it was to have your own place.
I see how worried Russ is over this and I know he is on the fritz of losing it as it was before this letter, now he is just even more stressed. I feel so guilty, I know it isn't my fault and that I couldn't help getting sick but it is my age old issue with that I should have gotten life insurance earlier or made more of an effort to do extra super contributions when I worked as it would mean I have more than $3000 in super.... which I am still fighting to get out mind you.
That is a fight for another day.
Yesterday I got a copy of Barefoot investor in the mail (thanks to a beautiful friend buying and sending me this copy) and started reading it, I have heard everyone rave about it and how effective it truly is, so it gives me hope for the first time that maybe I can get things under control this year.
It is one of my goals to get things neater for Russ, I don't know how much time I have and I think it will just be a massive peace of mind to know it is under control.
We have our mortgage, debts, car loan plus our other bills. So I try each year to review things to see if there is savings to be found, so I am hopeful that this book will help me even more.
Plus, it is one of my goals to read more too, so this is already tackling my goals for the year.... maybe this year is getting off to a stressful start but it might be turning around? Always hopeful that things will get better, surely they have to?
A friend has put me in touch with a broker and hoping we can find a new bank with a better rate and can consolidate our debt which will mean freeing up a lot of weekly expenditure and might mean we can afford to start saving.
So tell me, have you read the book? Did it help you? What was the biggest take away you had from it?
I will let you know when I have finished reading it and what progress I make.... until then, wish me luck!
We also got Solar Panels on recently, they had a 5 year interest free offer, so we are really hoping that on our next bill we can see a difference, otherwise I am going to be rather upset. Russ assures me we will be better off and that it will improve the value of our home too. Do you have solar panels and do you see a difference? Next bill is March, so will let you know if there were savings to be had.
As always, thank you for listening and wish me luck as I tackle this mammoth task!
What goals are you hoping to tackle this year?
Monday, January 08 2018
I know there has been a lot of posts around social media this past week (well, more so New Years Day) about the whole 'non resolutions' or how people were dropping the making resolutions as they either never stick or it makes people feel overwhelmed and anxious. This has something to do with the pressure placed on how it is a "new year new me" and that you internalise this pressure for the need to change yourself.... so it gets pretty depressing when it is the end of the year and you are yet to do one thing you set out to do.
Well, I know for me I get horribly depressed each December when I realise that none of my unrealistic/unattainable goals weren't met, and I feel like a bit of a failure and get pretty hard on myself.
So this year I plan on doing something a little different... I give up on each year setting myself the task of finding that million dollar idea (maybe if I don't try so hard I will find it), or to feel bad that I didn't finish my uni degree, or that I haven't got a hot bod (#sorrynotsorry).
I am choosing 18 ACHIEVABLE things I want to accomplish in 2018.
#1. Self Care:
I purchased the ebook version off Amazon and by a quarter of the way into the book I was astonished, I could have sworn it was me who had written this book as it was just so incredibly relatable. It definitely has me hooked!
Self care isn't necassarily just candle lit bubble baths with a glass of bubbly and reading a book, it can be a whole range of things. It could be doing things that make you happy, here is a post I wrote back in 2016 about 5 things to do each to add happiness or meaning to my day. You could choose to meditate or do yoga, could do a course or learn a new skill, could do something on your bucket list, could volunteer, do a random act of kindness, buy yourself flowers, get pampered, get your hair done or watch a movie or show.
#2. To read more:
So I have been so focussed on micro managing every part of my day/life that I would say I was too busy to read or I didn't have the time, but I vow this year to make time to read more. Whether it be the ebooks I have stored on my ipad or tablet, or going old fashioned and reading the amassed pile of books I have acculumated over the past few years. So starting with reading "The Self-care project" I am setting myself the challenge of either reading 1 book a month or 18 books this year.
Let's do this!
#3. To say No more:
In saying this though, there will be times where I say no simply because I am physically unable to do something due to pain or health, so I am sure this will cause more stress as some might think my health is an excuse? As I said, a challenge... but I am not putting my health at risk for a ridiculous deadline anymore.
#4. Reducing waste:
One of my favourite quotes from Gandhi is "Be the change you wish to see in the world". Change is hard and takes patience and a lot of baby steps, but you can't expect the world to be better or changed if you don't play a part yourself.
So I have ordered some produce reusable bags from my Sister-In Law's business which will mean no longer using single use plastic bags for produce. We also plan on using environment friendly bags in replace of plastic bags and I hope to get a compost happening too.... as I said it will be hard, but I do hope it will help the environment.
I feel guilty sometimes being an ostomate, because my base plate and bags aren't biodegradable (that I'm aware of) so even if I used bio degradable garbage bags and buried it, it still wouldn't break down and would be just the same as putting it in the bin. So I hate having a bag that leaks multiple times a day as it means a lot of ostomy products are used and thrown away, and I feel guilty that I am impacting the environment.... but it can't be helped.
So if I can make changes in other areas of my life, it hopefully makes up for it somehow?
#5. See the snow:
I had always hoped to get to the US or Canada and see this in person myself, but while that dream won't happen, I am happy to settle for somewhere in Australia where it snows, there is a romantic log cabin with a fire and somewhere Russ and I can unwind and relax.
I have heard him say almost daily the past month that he truly wants to experience this with me. Watching all the romantic Christmas movies helped I think, but it has had him rather upset realising too all the things he wants to experience with me but not sure if we will.
It is hard sometimes trying to squeeze 80 years of experiences into as much time as we have left.
If you have suggestions, do let me know, I can't fly so anywhere that is easily train accessible or short driving trips in NSW will be best.
#6. Learn something new:
I am doing a course right now cert 4 in screen and media and learning at the moment how to write children's stories.
#7. Write that damn book:
#8. Write a blog post a week:
#9. Write a journal:
All of these writing cues would be kind of life self care I guess, since it is cathartic and all.
#10. Regularly meet with a counsellor:
I guess this would come under self care and taking time for my needs too.
#11. Go Swimming:
Don't worry I plan on being sun safe and have my SPF50+ rashie from SunSoaked and my Sunbella parasol to help me too.
#12. Go Glamping:
#13. Have a holiday:
#14. Explore the Coast:
We still have bucket listing adventures for Brisbane, Sydney, Newcastle and beyond. I am just wanting to see so much!
I am just really hoping to see/experience new places this year.
#15. Renew our vows:
I had always said when we get to 10 years we would renew somewhere fun and overseas, but not sure that dream of international travel is managable or if I could make it to our 10 wedding anniversary.
#16. Get back on our feet financially:
We tried to apply to several other banks who all declined us because we didn't have savings (everything went into our house) and so we had hoped to even consolidate everything into one loan to make repayments easier and more affordable but were declined. Despite having equity in the property. It is hard to have savings when every cent is going into the house, our debt, living expenses, medical expenses and the list goes on.
I am just hoping this year we have better luck and if we can't at least consolidate everything that we can find a new bank for our home loan. I just want out of their grip, just like Britain wanted out of the EU. If we can get a new bank and debt consolidation everything will be more easier, we might even afford a mini holiday.
Part of this is finding a new bank too. I just want and need everything to be tidied up and managable ready for Russ to take over when I die.
#17. See a waterfall:
#18. Try to get my pain under control:
I spent the better part of last year struggling with my pain. I know my doctors are doing their best to manage it, but it really is hard and affects so many aspects of my life. It is debilitating, exhausting, it makes me frustrated and irritable, it messes with my mental health and it just sucks. It is hard to manage getting out of bed most days let alone manage an hour of getting out and about. I missed out on a lot last year and I don't want to miss out on life this year because of pain.
☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟
I know it was a long post, but I thought 18 made sense since you know it is 2018 and all. I feel good that it is all written down but now overwhelmed, which is ironic, but I will do seperate posts throughout the year both here and on social media documenting how I go... it means I can hold myself accountable now since I have told you all about this.
My list honestly could have continued such as "yet to finish unpacking", "yet to manage that room makeover" and so on. I just decided to choose things that will either improve my life, bring me joy or are somewhat achievable for this year.... and if I win the lotto that is a bonus!
Russ asked me what I have been writing/working on the past couple of days, he then rattled off a list of 18 things he *felt* I should do instead which all involved him and were very much Russ focussed or specific. I laughed and said, your list kind of defeats the purpose of several things on my list like taking time for me and saying no and putting me first.
To be fair, his list was most of what I do anyway which was:
Here's hoping 2018 is a good year and that I can do some of these things if not all. Despite spending over 80% of the year in bed last year, the times I did bucket list stuff or was out and about are some of my most cherished memories looking back, those memories I remember on my bad days.
I wish you a HNY2018 and wishing you health, love, success, happiness and clarity this year.
Thank you for reading, feel free to share something you hope to do this year in the comments below:
Saturday, September 23 2017
June last year (2016), I was told I had approx 12 months to live. I then wrote a bucket list of experiences and achievements I want to do and started working my way through it all. I had so much fun living and loving life that the 12 months became a blur. It took me to learn I was dying to really start living life, ironic hey.
One thing I have always wanted was a tattoo, it was more working up the courage to do but also finding something that resonated so deeply to me. Having struggled to feel this conntectedness between ideas, I thought I might best get something custom drawn.
I approached an artist Tasha from Jubly Umph that I loved her work and asked her to create something for me that is so personal and is something that I could continue to feel inspired by everyday. She began working on sketches for me and after some tweaks we had the perfect drawing.
I was so excited when Tasha asked me to write a guest post about my experience for her blog, you can read it here. I talk about my inspiration behind the design and why a tattoo was something that meant so much to me.
When it was my birthday back in March I had some family and friends gift me money with the specific intentions it be used on a tattoo. One of my gorgeous friends Bee gave me an envelope that said "open on the day you go to have your tattoo done" and inside was some cash, I thought it was the sweetest and thoughtful gift.
So the day before I had my tattoo done I got a call to say there was an opening for the next day, I was pretty excited and incredibly nervous. Russ came with me and I am so glad that he did.
My tattooist Megan - turns out is my stoma nurses daughter, what a small world!
I had been researching her studio and work for months, then one day I was in talking to my florist about my birthday the flower crown workshops and I bumped into Megan she gave me her card and I realised who she was and kind of strangely fangirled as her work is so good. So I had complete faith in her work, I was just nervous as I didn't know if it would hurt or not!
The day for the tattoo came, I chose to get the top of my arm done as it is a big design but also so on my bad days I can be laying on my other side and see it and be reminded of my strength.
A stencil was made of the design and placed on my arm to check for placement before the outlines were done, but also to check if the scale and size was big enough. We did this a couple of times as the positioning was off, only because of a mole and scars Megan realised she could work these into my tattoo design.
Now came the outlines, it didn't hurt as much as I thought, just like scratching really. The outline was finished, I got up to stretch my legs and to have some pain meds as I was sore from tumour pain before jumping back in the chair. I remember feeling so proud and excited! I felt on top of the world!
Now came the next part, the colour!
BOY DID IT FREAKING HURT!
I was doing okay until about a third of the way through and I was just bawling my eyes out. Russ was standing next to me holding my hand and I was a blubbering mess.
I now understand why you get it done in stages, I just felt like I was buff but I felt like a sook and was so embarrassed that I must look weak. I left and got in the car and just cried and sobbed, it hurt for a week or so afterwards too.
Best thing to help soothe the itch is this ointment from Woolworths called Dr Pickle, it really helped to moisturise it when it was dry and helped to fight the urge to itch it too.
I was really happy with the tattoo and the artist really did an amazing job at bringing the artwork to life. If you wanted to see more of Megan's work you can find her on Instagram under @meganlouisebucks.
It has now been 5 months and the tattoo is looking so good!
I have had a lot of compliments on it, have had a few opinions from others but at the end of the day what I choose to do with my body is my own choice and when people get too judgey I just fired back with "I am dying so who really cares HOW I choose to live out my life, STFU". I am so over comments telling me how I should live out my days. I am only trying to do what makes me happy and to squeeze a lifetimes worth of experiences into the matter of months and days, so I am doing my best.
One shop I went into the salesguy was telling me how trashy I was because I had a tattoo and asking Russ what he thought about his wife ruining her body like that and how it reflects on him, Russ was pretty great and had my back but it took so much strength to not punch him in the face. Like seriously, how does me having a tattoo affect my ability to be a customer. Do you want my sale or not?
I did hear comments like "your dad would be so disappointed in you and would be rolling over in his grave, if he were alive he would disown you". That one comment stung though, but I do like to think that if dad were watching from wherever he may be that he would be proud of me for choosing myself and for choosing to do things that made me happy, I would like to think that he understood out of anyone how hard it is to go on living your life knowing that anyday it could end, I would like to think that no matter how I lived my life in my final months that he would proud of the person I have tried to be... I always put everyone else before myself, so I wanted my bucketlist to be about me and doing things I wanted to do.
Before 12 months ago I didn't really feel that I had any idea or sense of who I was as a person, I do feel that I am starting to find myself and finding how amazing life is when you stop and look around.
It took me dying to realise just how beautiful life really is.
But my tattoo has become a reminder for myself that I am a badass and that I am strong, on my worst days I need this reminder, some days I need to know that beneath all these health issues there is still a young 26 year old woman trying to hold on.
Guest post on my tattoo story
Do you have a tattoo? Was there a meaning behind it?
Sunday, August 13 2017
It is hard to believe that it is almost 12 months since we have moved into our new house!
I have been so busy trying to live and love life, plus enjoying the good days, that we haven't yet completed unpacking our house and we have so much left to do. This has had me feeling rather disappointed in myself as I was really hoping to have had the house set up and finished by now. So while we have nothing planned for the next few months, I really want to focus on finishing the unpacking and working on styling the house.
Having a beautifully styled house that I am proud of is one of the things I wanted to tick off my bucket list!
The first room I want to finish is our master suite (bedroom and ensuite). I spend so much time in my bed, bedroom and ensuite, that for me it is my most used/lived in space. I really wanted the room to make me feel happy, safe, comfortable, relaxed and proud; but more importantly, I want others visiting me to feel the same sense of comfort.
I had hoped by now to be able to have afforded a full room makeover, or to be on our feet financially for that matter. We have been adding pieces to the room as our budget has allowed us over the last year, but we still have a way to go. I love a good bargain and hunting for things
Russ thought it would be a good idea to perhaps write a blog post as a wishlist of what we want to achieve so that in a way we can hold ourselves accountable for ticking off this goal of finishing the house, and especially our room.
So, this is the accountability post for completing my master bedroom and my wish list for the tropical styled things I want in it.
I promise to do an 'after' or finished/completed type post, otherwise I will share the gradual progress on social media until then!
With spending so much of my time in bed, or unable to get out to shop in person, a lot of that time is spent just browsing sites to get a clearer picture of styling/product ideas. It is always nice when companies have a good online store with stock updates that are timely and reliable. If they have social media too you can see how other customers are using their products to style and get ideas from actual users of the products. I know I browse through Fantastic Furniture and Pillow Talk online all the time (as they are two stores close to where I live), always keeping an eye out for sales or new stock. I have a few other sites that I regularly do the rounds to check for the latest products, styling ideas or latest sales (I wish the reject shop had an online store), it really does help to pass the time when you are otherwise stuck in bed.
Another way to pass the time and find inspiration is Pinterest! I only hope I can create and style a Pinterest or Instagram worthy house on a budget!
I am hoping the quilt isn't the reason the styling of the room falls apart, so I am hoping I can make it work to pull it off! I really love this quilt especially as on the reverse side it has this nice aqua colour + it matches with my purple (fave colour) sheets, so not sure if I want to part with it. However, if necessary to better the room then I might, but it makes me feel so happy and that is my priority!
Were I to change quilt covers if I felt it (the above quilt) really wasn't a fit, I have found some others from Pillow Talk and Spotlight that I have pictured below. It is so hard to choose what one I like the most, so these are my top 10! Pics to the left are from Pillow talk and pics to the right are from spotlight respectively.
We purchased it back in 2012 from Beds R'Us and it was looking amazing until Dusty recently decided it was in fact his clawing post (I cried, it was heartbreaking to see/hear). I had thought about upgrading our bed but my heart is too set on it. It is a king size; it is leather which is easy to clean; it is white which means ANY quilt cover looks great and that it can be suited to any theme; it is the right height for me and doesn't hurt to get in and out of like our timber bed before; and besides, it looks so elegant too!
I know Russ has thought about upgrading our king bed maybe after I die, he feels it is too pretty for a guy and too hard to keep clean because it is white, not that he wants to remove my existence from our home- just he might feel like a change, who knows? If he/we did upgrade this is one that he has his heart set on.
Something to note is it is made from Acacia wood sourced from sustainably grown plantations (which is a tick from us as we try to be environmentally conscious), but the beauty of this timber is that it would beautifully match a tropical themed room! It is a bargain at $799 with 6 years warranty too (I think Russ is all for extending our warranties from his job as a salesman), as opposed to the $3500 we paid for our current bed, so if we/he upgraded it is a nice and affordable option indeed. Felt pretty solid too.
I have been wanting the TV set up in our room so that I could watch Netflix, a movie or catch up on missed TV shows. I'm not well enough to sit out of bed for long most days, so having the TV in the room would help. I am struggling typing or holding my phone and iPad the last few months, the nerve damage from chemo and the tumours are making it painful to touch things. I try to use my iPad but it is frustrating sometimes at how small the screen is or at the lack of sound (remembering I am deaf in one ear) so it makes sense to set up the TV where I can see it comfortably.
So Russ one afternoon last week told me to stay in the lounge room as he had a surprise planned... surprise (see picture below)! He had set the TV up on top of some cheap/flimsy bookshelf from the shed. Doofus! I loved the sentiment, but I am so worried as Dusty is a climber who likes jumping on shelves. But it has been great the past week enjoying TV from the comforts of my own bed!
We have been looking into options to put the TV on. It needs to be at a height of 900mm or higher due to laying in bed and not having a clear view if any lower.
So we have found two options: We thought that a chest of drawers would give the best height plus allow for additional storage. Russ wants the tall 4 drawer as it is 150mm taller than our current set up, but aesthetically I think the 6 draw would look and fit the space better - though it is 100mm less (but TV is awkwardly watchable). The two we like are in the Toronto range from Fantastic Furniture and there is only a $100 price difference. I can't decide, but once we do we will enquire into layby options to pay it off over a set period which makes it more affordable. I know $599 or $699 respectively might not seem like a lot - but it is for us when there isn't a lot in the bank.
We needed to get a cupboard for the hallway (can never have enough storage) and Super Amart had a 'buy one get 2nd item half price', so we only paid $225 for the armchair (it all went on our G.E. interest free card)! It is the 'James' and is the same as the lounges in the living room and it is wide enough so I can sit in it comfortably - if I want to sit and read, it has big arms and is really spacious. Russ often sits there reading a book while I am sleeping, especially on my bad days, so that he can watch over me and feel he is close by. Dusty also has claimed the chair as his, so just like every other part of the house this was business-as- usual.
The chair for us was a must have for the future too. There will come a point when I am declining in my health and I want people to visit me and be comfortable. Russ tells me that it is 'typical Talya behaviour - always thinking of others needs', but all I want is for people to want to visit. It is a fear that I will be dying and be alone and I don't want to die not knowing that I am loved. So this chair is important and it gets used often.
When we were in Fantastic Furniture recently I stumbled across this flamingo canvas artwork (below) that has all the colours of my quilt and is keeping in with the contemporary tropical theme, Russ really liked it too, so we are hoping to get it when we can afford it. It wasn't much, around $49 from memory.
I also enlisted the help of Foote and Flame to cut out some bamboo shapes of different tropical leaves so that I can hang these around my room and make an art piece from it. I also found some cheap tropical leaves in Kmart for $3 in various sizes and styles too. I know pillow talk have some too. I am hoping on the next day Russ has off to look at placement of the wooden and artificial leaves.
I know we are trying to fit a lot into such a small space and I do hope that in the end it all looks as homey and relaxing as it does in my head. I am hoping now that I have written this that it holds Russ and I accountable for getting our house sorted. I know 12 months ago I didn't think I would still be here today and I know the outlook isn't too great for the next year, but I just really want to feel calm knowing my house is in order.... literally and figuratively! I want to not feel anxious over if I have done enough or if people are judging me.
I am really wanting my room to be my tropical escape as I won't have the ability to travel there myself I want to bring it to me.
I am also not an interior designer or stylist, so I don't know if the mood board I have in my noggin' is going to work, I will just have to see won't I!
If you know of any tropical themed wares over the coming weeks and months feel free to let me know so I can check them out. I am really wanting to have my room finished by Christmas/New Year at the latest. Plenty of time I know, but if the last 12 months have taught me anything it is that Russ is a snail (when it comes to getting things done) and time certainly does flies by!
So tell me, do you have a themed/styled room or house? Which room of your house is your favourite?
Sunday, March 05 2017
It is my birthday in 5 days and I am struggling with it, this is the first birthday in 5 years I have wanted to celebrate it. I am having a birthday of my dreams with items on my bucket list e.g enjoy a cocktail again, have a high tea for my birthday, do a flower crown workshop. It was meant to be a surprise vow renewal, but Russ shut that idea down quick smart.... he still claims to hope I will somehow miraculously make it to our 10 year in 2020.
I know it sounds weird that this is the first birthday in 5 years that I have wanted to celebrate, even though that has its own rollercoaster of emotions to accompany it.
This birthday is my 26th birthday but it is also very, very likely to be my last.
For the latter reason, I tried to put aside my issues and feelings to try and have the best birthday I possibly could not only for myself as I feel I need to be shown I am loved and that I matter lately (that is a whole story for another time) but I also knew that THIS was important for my family and friends.
I was told last month that "I don't understand what the issue is with your birthday, you are the only one feeling this way".
It kind of made me feel a little angry that my feelings weren't valid and that I should just suck it up, but this isn't that easy.
You see my birthday was always something I shared with my dad and we would always do a combined birthday, my birthday was the 10th and his the 11th. It was always precious moments I shared with him.
Why I find my birthday hard ☟☟☟☟
It was March 10th, 2012 when he actually started dying. He was terminal with cancer, but that day - my birthday - was the day he started his dying process.
It was also my 21st birthday.
I had this whole day planned, spent over $3000 on it and family were travelling all over for the day mostly because it was my birthday but a big part of it was they knew it very well would be the last time they would see my dad. I knew that, they knew that, he knew that.
So that morning I arrived at 7am to my dad's house to be greeted by my nan who said "He doesn't want you to know this, but he probably won't make it through the day". I went in to see my dad and to sit with him. He looked at me and said "you f$cking know don't you?" and he started yelling at me. I knew this was because he was frustrated, he felt like he had lost his independance and the one request he had to everyone was to not ruin my birthday by telling me, he was so selfish that he wanted his daughter to have a great 21st birthday, but he was angry.
I was so upset I jumped back in the car and drove back home to drive back ready for the party. It was a 3-4 hour round trip and I used the excuse I forgot my outfit (which I did). I drove the whole way crying, shaking and at one point pulling over because I was having an anxiety attack and couldn't see. I wasn't alone, I had Russ with me who was talking reason to me.
I had to get all my tears out before I returned to see him again, he got angry if people cried and gave him pity so you had to hold it in or if you felt you couldn't he didn't want you visiting.
So I got back to his place, I was eager to cancel the party because I wanted to stay with him and do something different.... but he wouldn't let me. He didn't want me to miss out on my birthday and he tried his best to get there but sadly he couldn't.
I understood but boy it hurt.
I got to my party and felt so guilty, I felt like I was the worst person in the world and that everyone would be judging me for being there instead of with him. I made an appearance and snuck outside and just cried for ages. My best friend came looking for me, she had a drink in her hand and she told me to take my time. I had a couple of drinks of liquid courage and went back in to face everyone.
I had a few more drinks and started to loosen up, I started to dance and had fun, I was surprised the DJ knew all the songs to play and I was having such a good time.
Then it hit me, I felt the guilt again and then I started crying all over again.
Midnight came and the venue needed to close and I headed to dad's where I was meant to spend the night but knowing he needed his rest my friend let Russ and I stay there. He was waiting up for me and gave me my present, it was this beautiful silver heart bookmark engraved for my birthday.
He proceeded to tell me that he was texting the DJ all night the songs and he was telling my dad how I was, he knew already that I disappeared early in the night and was pretty upset but I tried my best to have a good night.
Next day was his birthday and we sang happy birthday via webcam as his room was too small with all the hospital equipment to fit over 20 of us. He managed to get out of bed that day and walk around with assistance, and I thought maybe he wasn't dying afterall.
Later that night it was only Russ, my brother, dads partner and I that were there when his breathing slowed right down that I thought it would stop and he was losing consciousness. We called the ambulance and I thought he was going to die. He held my hand and talked to me. He told me he was sorry and that he was proud of me.
When the ambulance officers came they told us to make ourselves familiar with his end of life wishes and to have the plan at hand, knowing when the time comes we weren't to do anything as he was DNR.
The next day I was having severe endometriosis pain and realised I had no pain meds with me and needed to drive home, as Russ didn't drive I had no way of getting back to dads so went home to rest. I got the call to say the doctor had been and they said he might have a day or a few days but definitely need to get everyone to say their goodbyes.
He died overnight, getting the call at 4am and jumped straight in the car and drove down.
He had always said he wanted to make it to at least see his oldest turn 21.
Why I struggled since to want a birthday ☟☟☟☟
But each year since, I would get rather depressed leading up to it. I had a lot of guilt and I felt traumatised from the events around my 21st birthday and that my birthday never felt the same, I felt like I was missing a piece of me.
So I decided not to celebrate my birthday and would use this time to go away with Russ somewhere that I could just escape everything and everyone, I know it is selfish but I really can't cope with the overwhelm of feelings. But it is also because I just can't cope with this feelings, so I avoid them, I am in denial that I need to.
Fast forward to this year, after the suggestion of family they felt that I needed to do this for them, so I have been trying a lot to make this a memorable time for them and hopefully myself, but it is hard when everytime I feel a little excited I then feel this massive overwhelm of guilt and I start vomiting. I can't help but hate myself for trying to want a good time when these feelings keep coming back.
I know no one understands why this time of year isn't easy for me, but it is so hard... it is hard to not feel survivors guilt or that I shouldn't be happy so close to his days.
I am trying my best but I am also struggling.
So I am stressed, I have $800 worth of things needing to be paid for before Friday. I applied weeks ago for a special terminal illness grant to be approved as a dying wish and still haven't heard back even though Russ has sent numerous emails. All the vendors demanding their monies and I am so upset that it won't be the perfect day I dreamed of. I have the cake $200, food at the venue $240 or $6/head and the flower crown workshops of $400 ($20/head). I know guests are paying for their own cocktail high tea in lieu of gifts ($35/head) as there was no way I could afford that too.
Didn't help that last week my cake maker pulled out and had to find a new one, which I am loving the cake.
I just worry I won't have enough time to wrangle money together if they don't let me know ASAP an outcome, I need to have time to either find things to sell or convince Russ to use one of the credit cards which means also getting the bank's approval as it will affect the outcome of our homeloan review in the coming months.
Besides, Tuesday I have an MRI and that has me rather anxious and worried.... just keep asking them to keep the results until after my birthday...
I just want to try and have one LAST memorable, uneventful, drama free birthday! Is it too much to ask of? BUT wish me luck, please, that the rest of this week goes smoothly!
So if you have heard me talk about why I am struggling leading up to my birthday, this might explain it all! But it is a comfort knowing that I will see him soon, life hasn't been the same since.
I miss dad so much ❤
p.s pretty keen for my first drink in 5 years, just hoping it doesn't trigger a pancreatitis attack or interfere too much with my medications... drink of choice is a fruit tingle
Thursday, November 24 2016
I took the plunge this past week, and did something that has been on my bucket list for a while now.
I tried a CRONUT, and it was every bit mouth orgasmic as you would expect. Seriously, if you are in Woolgoolga (NSW) be sure to stop by The Next Phase on the main street for an experience you won't forget in a hurry.
But I did something even more terrifying.
I enrolled in a Diploma of counselling online, not that I have enough going on (cancer, facing mortality and living life).... but when I enrolled, before being accepted, I had to write why I wanted to study counselling.
Long before I was told that my disease is at the end stage, I wanted to study counselling and hoped that one day Feeling Ostomistic would branch out into counselling sessions online (via email, skype) or in person... so when I got my prognosis I made it a personal mission to study it before I cark it.
So there are two reasons why I want to study counselling, and both are pretty important to me:
#1. To help you:
#2. To help my husband:
So that is my two reasons behind enrolling in the course, the online college was pretty impressed with my maturity and selflessness... I really do try to lead as much of a selfless life as possible.
I just always felt my purpose in life was to help others, I just hope I can.
Wednesday, September 21 2016
This is not a sponsored post, we purchased the car using finance through the car yard
When I entered palliative care they asked me what would make my life more comfortable or aid me in living a better quality of life.
On this list was:
Of course only the pain management and wheelchair were something they could help me with from the above list.
However, I knew a car that was reliable, comfortable, easier to get in or out of and that fits the wheelchair was something of a priority for us and I knew it could make the world of difference to my ability to get out and about.
Our need for a new car:
Off I went to the car yard and found this beautiful 4 year old Ford that looked and drove like an XR6 (without the price tag), it was $20k and it was so fast! I felt so sexy when I drove it and I liked the compliments I got too. I loved the colour of the car too it was this blue with sparkles and a purple hint.
It was a nice car..... until things started going wrong.
A year later I had realised it was probably THE biggest regret of my life!
This car was incredibly low, like so low that it scrapes on every bump and you feel it, I couldn't even drive it down/up my driveway at every previous address over the last 8 years as it scraped the bottom of the car and I mean that horrible-cringe-worthy-type-of-grind it sounded so bad.
PLUS the fact that you can't drive over 100km/h or at the 1 hour mark as you had to pull over for 15mins turn the car off and wait for it to cool down... basically the car is driving on 4 out of 6 cylinders and told by several mechanics that it was an expensive things to repair and I didn't have thousands to just spend on a car not worth $1k. The car wasn't reliable, it wasn't safe and we needed a new car - but we couldn't afford it.
Back in 2012 we tried to upgrade to a Hyundai ix35 as it was higher off the ground and had sat Nav, Bluetooth etc. but we weren't in a good financial position to get a new car and our ford wasn't worth what we hoped or needed for a trade in.
So we kept waiting until we were in a better financial position which meant reducing our debt, working on our savings and hopefully getting our home loan.
Our existing car I haven't been able to drive for years as the steering wheel was low it sat on my belly which meant every time I went over a bump it was quite painful.... actually anytime I went over a bump it hurt so much. I no longer enjoyed driving and it became a chore, I would always ask Russ to drive if he were able to as I would be in tears most of the time. The car also was so low and was getting harder for me to get in and out; it was also hard to get the wheelchair in/out too, as you had to bend down low and it was getting too strenuous on Russell's back.
Fast forward to August 2016, we were getting ready to move into our new house and we went to the car yard to look at their i30 and i40s all the small cars for Russ to drive to and from work. Our car was no longer reliable and I was worried about Russ breaking down on the way to work, so something that gave us confidence in getting Russ to work safely was a must, as well as a second car could be handy so I wasn't stranded at home in case I needed to get to the shops or to doctors/hospitals.
We told the car yard how ideally we would love an ix35 but they were no longer manufactured and the replacing models "Tuscan" were way, way, way out of our price range - so we knew we could at least afford the smaller i30 or i40.
Finding the perfect ix35:
This was our one chance for finding a near new ix35 without the price (of a brand new model), so we were SO excited. Hardest part was keeping the secret until we got our keys.
We have debt to our eyeballs but we feel deep down that this truly is the best decision for us. A car that will assist me in getting out and about more comfortably and easily is so exciting!
I drove the car home, I haven't driven a car in over a year.... I did almost blow the car up! No, I am serious.... never making that mistake again!
Keep your eyes out for the future adventures that await! I am actually rather excited now for my future, despite drowning in debt I do hope we can manage. It makes me exciting thinking of all the fun and adventures ahead.
We can't wait to see what adventures unfold or the conversations this car will bear witness too.
Tell me in the comments below what the most memorable car you owned?
Tuesday, August 09 2016
I am so excited! Our house that we have been building (for what feels like years), is FINALLY at the 4 weeks to completion point.
This means that in 4 weeks we receive our keys and we can start moving in, ending our time as tennants and time to pay off our own mortgage.
This will also be my final house I will ever live in, and if my plan for an at-home death falls into place this will also be my final resting spot... and this is a dream come true, something I never thought I would get to experience.
In my 25 years I have lived in something crazy like 47 houses (I can name every single house) because my parents rented and sometimes we moved every 3-6 months, and then I have moved a lot in my adult life too.
So I am pretty excited to finally have a house that I can make into a home and not have the stress of house inspections and being evicted and having to move EVER AGAIN.
I am also pretty excited for my garden escape to be built and to have a place I can go to escape that is my happy place.... some days I really need somewhere outside of the house I can go and have privacy (and where we currently live that isn't an option as there is no fenced yard).
It took a lot for me to want to ask for help to create the garden escape for me, and I felt that some might feel that a garden was a silly dying wish to have, but it has been something that I really want and need... especially as I am mostly housebound and this is rather isolating and some days I am so down and depressed I don't get out of bed.
I know things will only get worse as time goes on, so I know that I will need this. I used to love going to the botanical gardens when I was sad or angry and it was my happy place, but I can't walk far anymore before being in too much pain so Russ wanted to try and bring the garden to me.
Russ set up a gofundme page to try and raise the funds needed to make this magical garden escape for me, and we have been so humbled and appreciative of all the support and donations so far! The link to the gofundme and to read my story thus far, https://www.gofundme.com/gardenfortalya.
For what the working bee will involve (for those who have expressed interest) and my vision for my special garden and landscaping, please read on below. There is two sections: the main special garden (is my priority), but we also would appreciate any help in the rest of the landscaping (such as turfing, creating some gardens, laying pavers, mailbox) etc.
I have had a lot of family and friends ask what help we need in the garden, but also what things we need for the house. So I decided I would write this as a blog post so that I can just send them the link and they can read it, as opposed to me explaining it repeatedly.
Please note: I am not writing this expecting to get things for free, expecting charity or expecting anyone to buy things on our list out of obligation; especially as some of the things we need are costly. But if you want to help in the form of letting me know of a good sale going on, or a tradesperson that you know can help (and won't charge an arm and a leg and is reliable/trustworthy) please let me know! Or if any businesses would like to help out with a discounted price on an item we would be so grateful... I am really wanting to make a home that I can comfortably live out the rest of what time I have left.
1. Why a working bee?
As more and more people expressed interest in helping us, Russ and I decided that we would organise a weekend after we had moved in and settled in where we could invite people over to help us with the labour of helping our garden and landscaping. Neither Russ or myself have skills when it comes to building things and neither have had a house where we needed to do gardening, so we really appreciate all the help that has been offered.
Due to my tumours and state of my health, I won't be able to get out in the yard and help, but I am planning a lovely lunch/BBQ for everyone as my way of saying thank you but also making sure that everyone is well fed and has fuel to continue on into the afternoon. [If anyone would love to be my BBQ cook, please let me know].
I also hope that this working bee will feel like a community type project that brings people together and know that they are making a huge impact in my life and helping me to enjoy what time I have.
Once we have moved in and I have more of an idea of dates, I will create a facebook event for people to express interest in the working bee (to help me also to know catering numbers).
No one is to feel obligated to help in any means, we just thought it would be a nice way to bring together people who are able to help out.
As Russ and I have invested all our savings into building this house and paying for my medical expenses (keeping in mind we are a one-income household and are really struggling), we are trying to save money where we can.... so by people offering to come and lend a hand to save us paying someone in labour costs is really helping us out.
2. Help we need for the special garden (and help at the garden working bee):
The gofundme page that was set up by Russell will be used to fund this special garden, at the moment we are at 50% of our fundraising target and most of this funding will be consumed by the pond and water feature installation and the creation of a rock bench and pavers. I also need to buy a fence and gate, plants and koi fish... it would be awesome if we could reach the target goal and I can have the garden of my dreams and my true tropical Oasis... it is quite a big garden measuring 6.1m x 15m!
✰Pond and water feature installation:
✰Bamboo like plant for a screen:
✰Hardy oriental type plants:
✰Pavers and garden path:
✰Colourbond fence and gate:
✰A nice big feature rock:
✰A bonsai tree:
3. Other areas of our garden/landscaping we would love help with at the working bee:
✰Garden Shed installation & concrete slab:
✰Timber trellis/pergola thingy:
4. Our list of things we need/want (in no particular order of importance):
✰Upright Freezer and cooked/frozen meals:
Russ' mum has bought this one for us as a housewarming and is planning on cooking a bunch of meals I can freeze and reheat for dinner, and the frozen meals will help so much.. if you feel like cooking a bunch of meals too I will happily accept!
We honestly in 7 years have only ever bought 1 teatowl and it hangs on the side of our fridge... it was meant to be this cool bamboo and super absorbent but it does jack shit! No joke it is useless.. so we end up using towels to wipe up the dishes and I really need FUNCTIONING tea towels that dry and don't leave fluff all over the plates either.
I really cannot wait to get started on the garden and to make this house into a home. I hope those that come to the working bee will enjoy the BBQ.
Much love and so many thanks,