Saturday, September 26 2015
NB: This post contains raw emotions
I am sitting here writing this approximately 3 days out of having my first round of chemo, and if I said I wasn't shitting myself, I would be lying and quite possibly with my pants alight.
You see, even though I have known for a while now (little over 3 weeks) that I would be needing chemo I thought that I was okay with it and had accepted it, and that I was ready, but the more meetings I have with my oncologists and chemo nurses and waiting for vascular surgeon to put in my portacath and the more involved this process gets, the more overwhelmed I get.
It all started earlier this month, I went to Sydney and met with my oncologist to review my beastly desmoid tumours, and it was concluded that it was time to try chemotherapy to shrink these tumours after all other options had been exhausted.
My oncologist told me I would be needing to have a drug called Caelyx, which is predominately used to treat breast cancers but has had some clinical trials where it has been effective in the fight against desmoid tumours.
So I left the Sydney appointment with the relief of knowing that I can have chemo back home and would need to organise a local oncologist, which I first met with on the 17th of September. In this meeting I was blown away with how thorough he was and he knew EVERYTHING about my history and I was really impressed with how much research he had done into my rare tumours and disease.
It turns out that the chemo that I NEED to save my life comes at a price. You see, the drug currently isn't on the PBS (Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme) and is $6,000 AUD per dose of chemo, meaning I would be needing to come up with $36k, which I don't have.
So I called my Private Health Insurer, who told me that "we only cover chemotheraphy if done as an inpatient and if it is on the PBS, unfortunately we can't cover your chemo". I was so upset and started considering what my options were.
My oncologist presented three options to me, these were:
By this point it was a Thursday and I was told that I had until Monday to make my decision.
After talking at length with my husband and family, and writing a pro's and con's list I decided that we will go with option 3.
I got a phone call on Tuesday morning from my oncologist to say that the drug company has responded and approved 3 initial treatments and pre-approved a further 3 more, so 6 treatments in total!
I was so relieved I was crying and calling my husband and family to tell them the great news, I felt like I had won the lottery! Honestly!
Because of how rare my disease and tumours are, if this drug works for me then it might help other people with the same disease and options, and might provide some hope to those who feel all has been lost.
While I am so appreciative for the chemo being supplied, I am trying not to get my hopes up ..... if it doesn't work I really don't know how I could cope if I felt that all hope is lost, as it stands I am petrified of my future and what my life will entail for the next 12 months, and I am just praying that this works.
My husband and I have attended chemo education sessions, so we know what to expect and what is involved, just being only a few days out of starting chemo I am shitting myself, and finding myself feeling rather anxious, angry and scared.
... If I click my heals together 3 times and imagine a secluded beach in paradise, with Ryan Gosling serving me cocktails while topless, will I be transported there?
...CLICK.... ......CLICK....... ......CLICK......
Maybe it only works if you're wearing glittery red heels?
P.S I need your help! While my chemo is being generously supplied, I am struggling financially with all of the other medical costs (scans, medications, specialist consults) as well as getting to and from chemo and trying to manage life in general, things are a bit tight..
Friday, September 04 2015
Recently, I was filling in one of those online question surveys that was for a cosmetic surgery company (I really wanted to win the cash prize) and while there were the usual questions about if you have considered cosmetic surgery before, there were also questions about your self esteem and self worth.
One question that stumped me, was "if there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be and why?"... and the answer may surprise you, I know it surprised me!
I have never been someone who has considered undergoing cosmetic surgery in order to change how I feel about myself, and while I don't judge those who do, I just feel if you're unhappy with who you are now that it might not necessarily change after you've spent thousands on surgeries... it might make you feel worse if it didn't have the desired effect.
But mostly, I have already had so many surgeries and medical procedures because of the cards I've been dealt with that personally, I just don't want to put my body under the knife if it isn't needed. I have wanted a boob reduction, but that is mostly because my boobs are like a double J or something (no exaggeration) and it gets harder and harder to find bras and is so uncomfortable... but that isn't the one thing I would change.
I gave this answer some serious thought, and I thought about all of my physical "flaws" and imperfections and which one I would change.. I thought about my boobs and while they are huge and heavy they keep me warm (I do get cold very easily)... I thought about my eyes which are so wonky that my husband never knows if I am looking at him or around him (and I have to tilt my head slightly in pictures so you don't notice one eye is bigger than the other)...
My endometriosis crossed my mind, and I felt the all too familiar pains that it (like my FAP) has taken a lot from me... I thought about if I didn't have my endometriosis if I would have had a family by now and if I would make a good mum, to imagining a life where each month I'm not crippled with pain from the endo... and I even imagined what it would be like to have sex and ACTUALLY enjoy it... as opposed to how it has been for me the entire time I have been sexually active.. it not only is extremely painful during intercourse but afterwards it feels like there are thousands of knives stabbing at my insides (so you can imagine how hard it can be for your husband to know that while it brings him pleasure it is torture for you to endure... and then he can't help but feel bad about it... then you feel bad for making him feel bad... it is a horrible cycle).
OR is the one thing I would change about myself, my desmoid tumours? I am in constant pain everyday and finding it harder to enjoy things as I am just so exhausted from being in pain and worrying about my tumours. I am scared of what will happen if these tumours don't respond to chemotherapy this month and what this means for me... My kidneys are starting to go into renal damage, my tumours are pressing on my spine/stomach and sciatic nerve, and then there are two tumours which are close to strangling my small bowel and I haven't any large bowel (if my small bowel dies I might too).
OR would I want to change my weight because apparantly if you're overweight you can't be happy within yourself... while I am trying to lose weight it wouldn't be the one thing I changed about myself.
I thought about all of my scars that I have from my various surgeries and how they make me feel... and they mostly make me feel empowered like I am a tough bitch and it is almost somehow like proof of that time that I had to face an adversity but before I could get through it I had to first climb the huge mountain that was blocking me from it.... each of my scar bears a story to be told... and some of my scars show a sign of the battle faced.
Like the scar under my chin, which I got on the last day of Kindergarten in 1996 when I was so excited for losing my first tooth the night before. I had gotten $10 (the tooth fairy was rather generous) and I was skipping along not noticing the water overflow from the bubblers.. when... spalt! My head greeted the concrete and was taken to hospital to get stictches.. I was such a brave girl I got 6 stitches, a story to tell ANNND I got to choose a toy as a 'what a brave girl you were' gift...
Or the scar that runs from just under my breasts to just above my hoo-ha.. a daily reminder of just how lucky I was to have my bowel cancer detected early and underwent a total colectomy.. a scar that while it is huge and bumpy (and growing tumours attached to it) that it is a HUGE part of who I have become and a testament of how far I have come in the last 2 years...
...Which brings me to my ileostomy.
While some might assume that I might loathe my ileostomy everyday (albeit some days it gives me the shits), my ileostomy is something I can't imagine living without, and am so appreciative for it stands for. Prior to my total colectomy, trips to the toilet were agonising and often I spent hours on end just sitting in the bathroom in a lot of pain and often house bound... leaving the house meant that my trips needed to be carefully planned around where the nearest toilets would be, or avoiding eating foods for the horrific, painful and explosive events that were to follow.
The thing I LOVE the most about my ileostomy is that it had given me my life back and a quality of life I haven't had in about 10 years or so.. it meant I could now eat and enjoy foods without being in agony.. it also meant reducing one of my many cancer risks.
So if my ileostomy ISN'T the one thing I would change about myself, then what must it be?
Simply put, I would like to change the expectations, standard and pressures I put on myself because I need to remember that I'm not a superhero and I AM doing the best that I can... I need to give myself a break and be kinder to myself.
Something to remember...
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?